Wish I had thought of some of these! M
----- Original Message -----
George Costanza's Tips for Working Hard
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1. Never walk down the hall without a document in your hands. People with
documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important
meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the
cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they're heading for
the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at
night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you
do.
2. Use computers to look busy. Any time you use a computer, it looks like
"work" to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal
e-mail, calculate your finances and generally have a blast without doing
anything remotely related to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefits
that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about but
they're not bad either. When you get caught by your boss -and you *will*
get caught - your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use new
software, thus saving valuable training dollars.
3. Messy desk. Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of
us, it looks like you're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents
around your workspace. To the observer, last year's work looks the same as
today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know
somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll need halfway down
in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.
4. Voice Mail. Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call
you just because they want to give you something for nothing - they call because
they want YOU to do work for THEM. That's no way to live. Screen all your calls
through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for
you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when you know
they're not there - it looks like you're hardworking and conscientious even
though you're being a devious weasel. If you diligently employ the method of
screening incoming calls and then returning calls when nobody is
there, this will greatly increase the odds that the caller will give up or look
for a solution that doesn't involve you. The sweetest voice mail message you can
ever hear is: "Ignore my last message. I took care of it". If your
voice mailbox has a limit on the number of messages it can hold, make sure you
reach that limit frequently. One way to do that is to never erase any incoming
messages. If that takes too long, send yourself a few messages. Your callers
will hear a recorded message that says, "Sorry, this mailbox is
full" - a sure sign that you are a hardworking employee in high demand.
5. Looking Impatient and Annoyed. According to George Costanza, one should also
always try to look impatient and annoyed to give your bosses the impression that
you are always busy.
6. Appear to Work Late. Always leave the office late, especially when the boss
is still around. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted
to read but have no time until late before leaving. Make sure you walk past the
boss' room on your way out. Send important emails at unearthly hours (e.g.
9:35pm, 7:05am, etc...) and during public holidays.
7. Creative Sighing for Effect. Sigh loudly when there are many people around,
giving the impression that you are very hard pressed.
8. Stacking Strategy. It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table.
Put lots of books on the floor etc. . . Can always borrow from library. Thick
computer manuals are the best.
9. Build Vocabulary. Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all
the jargon and new products. Use it freely when in conversation with bosses.
Remember: They don't have to understand what you say, but you sure sound
impressive.
10. * MOST IMPORTANTLY: DON'T forward this to your boss by mistake!!!